Pensioners need to get a grip!

Jake Cox emailed a guest blog saying “Publish this Midnyte Hour if you dare – No corse u wont!”

We’re sick of old gits trying to be dope. When you reach 40 does the embarrassment chamber in your brain fall out?
Round at my bro’s Jamie’s house the uver day and we goes in the kitchen. His mum’s cooking or some such. Mixing some shizel in a bowl. My man Jamie says “Wot u doin Mam?”.
“Just blendin it,” she says.
“No you isn’t girl,” I told her, “Don’t embarrass yourself. Leave street talk to peeps under 90 man!”
Think she’s got that Oldtimers cos she just looked like she was mental, proper staring. I just left it.
It’s everywhere man! On Tuesday am at doctors and old guy in front me tells the woman, “I’m sick.”
“No you freakin isn’t man. Yous 90 if u a day! You wearing dad pants and your laces is tied!” – Guess what – Mental stare again.
Sick of oldies banging on about old bands n that. If it wasn’t for JXL nobody would know who the hell Elvis is!
Final straw man – Comes home tonight Dad’s cooking, ipod blaring out. Only playing theme from Call of Duty – Gimme Shelter! Dropped his ipod in his curry. Told him “Just leave new sounds to us… right? Let’s not talk about it again K?”
Poor sod he’s only 42 and he’s got mental stare too!

Boy Bland insist - We’re Original!

Our new-music journalist, Rob Jogon, was blasted by TV lack-of-talent show losers ‘One Dimension’ for suggesting they weren’t very original. Runners up in the popular agricultural prat-search programme ‘Eggs Tractor’ insisted “We are original!”
Lead singer, Barry Silvikrin, said, “Every sample we’ve ever done is original…… to my knowledge.” It’s true to say the interview started badly and nearly ended before it began. But a clever combination of a promise of ice cream and the implied threat of the naughty step brought the guys back to the sofas.
The atmosphere was still tense as teen heart-throb Lee Fop questioned, “So if you had your way only people who played instruments and could write songs would get a recording contract then?”
“Yes”, Rob prodded.
Patrick O’Gel interjected at this point brining a calm and lilting viewpoint, “Aghh sure we can all hurl from the top of the ditch!” Which may have been a point well made.
Bobby Suks said, “Our songs speak for themselves! And sing for themselves too, thanks to Auto Tune.”
Rob could sense this was never going to end well so pushed a little further, “What do you say to people who say you’re like a broken record, the same thing constantly regurgitated?”
Bobby blasted, “I’d say you’re out of touch man. The kids love our stuff because it’s sick and ting! … A broken record what’s that anyway old man? I think you’ll find we’re like a broken MP free!”
The interview ended abruptly as the band stormed out lead by Barry shouting, “Stuff your ice cream!”
The last word went to the quiet unassuming Zak Wernotorlwyte who calmly said, “I thought I was the lead singer!”


Shock as mistakenly non-sampled real music played on mainstream radio

Officials at Radio Bun yesterday were in uproar.
The press team issued a hasty release stating “We acknowledge that our usual stringent quality procedures have been breached. How a track not on the official playlist made it to air we are not quite sure. However a full investigation has been launched and already a cleaner at the CBB has been sacked.”
“We wholeheartedly apologise to our dedicated listeners particularly those who reported headaches after trying to work out what program could have produced the strange percussion sound. It was in fact a drum.”

Music Moghul Diamond Powell (pictured left) said, “This is a disgrace. It’s like taking the industry back 50 years! Some budding artists tweeted me saying are we now expected to fork out for real instruments and lessons as well as an iphone!”

Michael Iced-Bun Jones (12) emailed us to say his Grandad had told him about the bad old days when becoming famous took years of hard work but he thought it was just one of his stories like them war tales. Kylie Green (14) said “We knew something was wrong when they stopped Big Brother. Thank God for Channel 5 perhaps they could takeover Radio Bun too and stop this ever happening again.”

So is this a genuine one-off mistake or a subversive attempt to return to the elitist days of old when only the golden few with talent could actually make it to the top in the music industry!
Your thoughts please….